Milla Jovovich, who married the director of the first Resident Evil movie, and who portrays a character who is not actually present in any of the video games on which the movies are based, wakes up. Her face is presented vertically, and then it pans to demonstrate that she is actually lying down. Seriously, this happens in all five movies. Her character is named "Alice". Then she does something awesome, as the Mary Sue she is. She may be the most perfect Mary Sue in the history of popular film, as she was inserted by her creator to be more awesome than every single other character in the canon of the games.
Scene 2: Alice explains everything that happened in every movie so far, just in case you haven't seen them (in fact, MH had not, so this was a big help, though I did try to explain a little of what happened before the film). This voice-over is a montage of scenes from earlier films, and it gets longer and longer each time, predictably.
Scene 3-47: Alice does something awesome, generally involving wearing improbable clothing and killing zombies or monsters in the least practical of ways. Also, not running, ever, despite every single movie working on a countdown, except that one time that she ran down the side of a building, when it would have been exactly as fast to, you know, just fall.
Scene 48: We pull back, realizing that now, NOW, our heroine is in REAL trouble.
I LOVE this series, but it's hard not to notice that at no point are any of them involved with actual story-telling, instead relying solely on "Rule of Cool". But I love them, so I guess that works. It's like the Matrix trilogy, but without the pretentiousness. Or thoughtfulness. Or anythingness.
It's just COOL.
It doesn't make any sense, but I enjoy all five movies. They're my indulgence that I throw out for the people who adore Ben Stiller and Judd Apatow movies: fart jokes are not hilarious. It is only laughing at a biological function which, sadly, cannot always be controlled. Sometimes you gotta fart, but it's not funny, it's just farting. And by "farting" I mean "cursing" or "being pregnant" or "being a man-child" or whatever the current movie's equivalent to farting is, but it's all just shy of pooping.
In contrast, the Resident Evil series just focuses, successfully, on making its heroine just insanely awesome, albeit improbably successful.
And frequently wearing entirely inappropriate clothing.
Real quick, we also did a little shrimp boil:
-Brine shrimp in a quarter cup of salt, some creole spicing, and old bay for an hour in the fridge.
-Pass the time with a cheese plate and a nice Greek salad.
-Turn on the broiler, and get it nice and hot.
-Boil a gallon of water on the stove, with a lemon, wedged in quarters, a quarter cup of salt, and a Zatarran's crab boil bag (mustard seed, coriander seed, salt, allspice...).
-Drain the brined shrimp, and rinse.
-Toss into the rolling boil for two minutes.
-Remove and drain. Let cool in the drainer. They'll be hot!!
-Halve and de-seed a couple of peppers (we used yellow and red).
-Put the peppers on a baking sheet, covered with a thin glaze of oil. Cook until the peppers start to smoke, which is about when the shrimp will be cool enough to eat.
-Remove pepper halves, and dice, making a nice relish. Watch the fingers, as the peppers are VERY HOT. Ignore advice from friends to use tongs, just tough it out. You can take it, right? RIGHT?
-Season shrimp and relish with a dash of olive oil, salt, and pepper.
-Put food in face.
-Send thank you letters* to:
1431 Q St #324
Sacramento, CA 95811
Tomorrow, ADVENTURE!! :)
*You know what? I never get actual letters in the mail anymore. You should send me one. I promise I'll write you back!