Okay, stay with me here, I have a point, and it may not be a good one, but it's honest, and I hope it will be a tale well told, at the least.
I finally had to break down and admit to my mother just a few days ago that, no, I wasn't watching the Olympics, even though they're her favorite thing in the world, because they creep me out. It broke her heart.
But there it is: they are just kind of horrifying to me. It's not the games themselves, it's the way that NBC has chosen to present them.
America, to the rest of the world, looks arrogant, self-involved, and bitchy, and that's exactly how the games are presented.
NBC saves the events where the Americans win medals for primetime.
"Men's flatwater kayaking? I didn't even... wait, does an American look likely to win? Ah. Well. 9:30 a.m. for you, then. No one cares that you're the best in the world at some sport Americans can't be bothered to be the best at. Pfft."
NBC cut out the 7/7 tribute from the opening ceremonies, because it needed the airtime to show Ryan Seacrest interviewing Michael Phelps. When were they gonna get another chance to interview Michael Phelps?!
But that's not really the reason I can't endure the games at all. The real reason is the drama.
(I'm sorry, excuse me, can we back up and do it correctly?)
(Ah, there we are, very nice. Shame you couldn't be bothered to make it blink.)
The drama. The drama that goes along with the Olympics could be measured in Kardashians (though I actually think that's a unit of time equal to 72 days). I can't stand the way that every single American who might, possibly, just a bit, have a shot at winning a medal must first be profiled - with dramatic music and editing and lens flares - as having been born in a briar patch in the middle of the poorest town in all of America. All of them were moppets, unloved and uncared for, until, finally, the reached the OLYMPICS, where the world can see them on NBC. Finally, they can know the real love of 311 million adoring fans, which is the only love worth having, really.
So I choose, instead, to watch Bitchin' Kitchen. That Nadia G is a HOOT and a great chef!
Tonight, Bitchin' Kitchen was not on, and instead the Cooking Channel is doing a marathon of "Extra Virgin", of all things. And the Food Network was doing a marathon of "Diners, Drive-ins, and Dives". I like both shows fine, but...
Oh, right. Olympics. Right, right, right.
I turned on the nightly news because, sadly, I was hoping for election coverage. Instead, Brian Williams said, "Standard Spoiler Alert: the next two minutes will contain Olympic results."
Sighing, I reached for the remote.
Then I remembered my mother's broken heart. I remembered Miss Mary Lou Retton. And I thought, "Eh, watch two minutes. They're only going to highlight the people who won, and maybe your heart will grow three sizes this day."
So I sat down to watch.
It took nearly all of my physical will not to throw my television of the balcony when it was all over. In the end, it was only saved because it's not actually my television, and, besides, then I wouldn't have a television.
OUR STORY BEGINS HERE, BUT IT CONTAINS RESULTS FROM AN EVENT THAT HAPPENED SEVERAL YONKS AGO AND HAS APPARENTLY STILL NOT AIRED, SO IF YOU'RE PLANNING ON WATCHING THE OLYMPICS BUT NONE OF NBC'S OTHER PROGRAMMING, READ THE FOLLOWING NO EARLIER THAN THURSDAY, AUGUST 9, 2012.
Until roughly an hour ago, I did not know who Lolo Jones was. Seriously. I know, I know, you think I'm exaggerating, because apparently she's been on the cover of everything in the world and has been without significant clothing in at least one photograph.
On the internet.
Anyway, the entire story was how two people were mean to another person, and mostly because she's pretty, and slightly slower.
That's the entire story. It's going to become more than that, but basically that's it.
Here, then, are the details.
Spoiler alert: they're going to show this event tonight at 9 p.m. Despite having interviewed everyone involved already once today to talk about what happened.
Lolo Jones, in case you've been hiding under a rock or willfully ignoring the Olympics, is a looker, and is quite fit, which makes sense, because she's a freakin' Olympic athlete. Her pleasing visage and taut musculature have entranced photogs from around the world, and they have put her face on the covers of magazines.
The NBC segment actually referred to her as, "Olympic runner and covergirl, Lolo Jones."
After being photographed many, many times, as well as training 6 days a week for 4 years, Lolo Jones jumped over a lot of weird little wooden things while running 100 meters nearly as fast as it has ever been run in the history of the games.
And she came in 4th.
Which is a shame.
BUT THEN: THE DRAMA!!
Two of the people who beat her were, actually, two other Americans. Her teammates. NBC cut to a segment recorded with the two of them.
First, one of them actually gave her little rags-to-Olympic-glory story, and said that she thought it sounded like a pretty good story, but apparently no one else thought so, and her story was pre-empted by the (apparently) endless coverage of one Lolo Jones.
And the OTHER one stated, with evident and not-at-all restrained smugness and joy, that...
"Well, I think that, on the podium tonight, the three girls that earned their spot and they got their medals and they worked hard and did what they needed to do, prevailed. And that's all that really needs to be said."
And, oh, how they laughed!
At their teammate. Who, by the way, is the fourth fastest woman in the FREAKIN' WORLD.
I don't know who these people are. I don't care who these people are. When it comes right down to it, I don't really have any vested interest in Lolo Jones, who, while very pretty, has a silly name.
But it's the only Olympic segment I watched, and it's the only one I'm going to watch.
It showed Americans being arrogant, self-involved, and bitchy.
TO EACH OTHER.