ATTENTION EVERYONE IN THE ENTIRE WORLD EVER
For the ever-hoppin' love of God, at no point in your entire life should you deposit yourself in a bathroom stall without latching the stall door.
That latch is not decoration. It is not ornamental. It's not even particularly attractive. This is because, you see, it is purely functional. That latch is what prevents other people from walking in on you, and then having to spend the rest of the day trying not to gouge their eyes out. That latch is your friend. It has exactly one moving part, so there will be no howling and gnashing of teeth amidst cries of, "It's too complicated!" No, it is not. No.
It's actually quite cleverly designed. You can only move it in the correct direction each time you encounter it. The first time you encounter it, it latches you in, snug as a bug in a rug. "Safe as houses", as they say... somewhere. In short, you are now free to conduct your business without worrying that some tall, good-looking, clearly horrified man will inadvertently disturb your repose with incoherent screaming. The second time you encounter our humble little latch, it can only unlatch, which is simply brilliant! Now you are free to pursue the balance of your day, happy as a clam. I was going to go with "happy as a pig in..." but I think this post is already pushing the bounds of what could plausibly be considered "good taste".
I know that there are some in our audience who are thinking, "Maybe the latch was just broken."
It was not. I will speak no more to that point, as there really is nothing meaningful I can add. It wasn't broken. It still isn't. I hate people.
Let's say you are, I don't know, French or something, and you are actually making a conscious decision to leave the door unlatched. If this is the case, then I have two quick points:
1 - You have, in fact, given up your right to look at me like it's MY FAULT, you sick freak.
2 - You're a sick freak, you sick freak.
Apologies to any copraphiles in the audience.
(I hate the internet for allowing me to know exactly what word I needed there, but not, say, Jill Hennessy's phone number.)
Sometimes, adventure takes you to unexpected places. Thanks, adventure. Thanks a lot.
Finally, to answer what I assume is your unspoken question: "twice today."